I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
