My liver just broke up with me...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
