I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
