6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
