Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize