im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
