apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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