I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
