I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
