I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You don't make any sense
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