I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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