You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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