3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
