I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just pynch a tree in the face
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i need to put some appletini on your dick
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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