I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
