I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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