obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
