I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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