if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
