I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Acid is not a monday night drug
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
