I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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