I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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