Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
