last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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