Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
