i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
