Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
