You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
