this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
