I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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