I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
