god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
