Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
