You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Randomize
