sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
