That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
