I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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