my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
