85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize