I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
