tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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