Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
