You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
