I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
