I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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