Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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