It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
