I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
