My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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