I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
