Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
