so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
