Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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