Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
