Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
