I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
