ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
