If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
